Tickets to the festival alone don’t make you a film buff. There are nuances to consider as well. Like your vocabulary. And your wardrobe. As the Hamptons International Film Festival hits full swing in the next couple days, we’re here to help.
Appropriate Film Festival Wardrobe:
What to wear? It’s the most important consideration that you’ll confront during the festival. Here are a few tips:Black: It’s the official color of filmmakers. Wearing all black denotes a sense of seriousness that fellow festival-goers will recognize as both erudite and introspective. Matched with an appropriate scowl, you’ll have everyone thinking you’re a young Scorcese.Blazers That Are One Size Too Small: This look has served Wes Anderson brilliantly—everyone recognizes him as a genius and they’ll think you’re one too if the sleeves of your blazer are a couple inches too short. Bluetooth Headsets: Absolutely never, ever hold an actual cell phone to your head. Using your Blackberry while using a headset at the same time is good form too.Berets: This is the festival coup de grace. It is important to note that this is for advanced festival-goers only. If you’re going to wear the beret you have to be able to walk the walk—or at least pretend you can. An added benefit to the beret, however, is that it will often intimidate fellow attendees and you won’t even have to use the selected vocabulary below.
Vocabulary You Should Use at the Film Festival:
Now that you know what to wear, you should also consider what you’re going to say. Dropping the following words and phrases into conversation will complete the deception and you’re guaranteed to close on your three-picture deal with Miramax.Alan Smithee film: the pseudonym used by directors who refuse to put their name on a film and want to disassociate themselves, usually when they believe their control or vision has been co-opted by the studio. (Using this phrase appropriately will establish you as a high-minded aesthete.)Anamorphic: related to different optical imaging effects; refers to a method of intentionally distorting and creating a wide screen image with standard film, using a conversion process or a special lens on the camera and projector to produce different magnifications in the vertical and horizontal dimensions of the picture. (Wittily use this to describe the effects of drinking too much absinthe with Baz the last time you were in southern France.)Bowdlerize: refers to purging anything considered disturbing, vulgar, or adult in content in order to make it sanitized for mass market consumption and appropriate for children. (Complain loudly and often about the bowdlerizing of your last project.)Cineaste: refers to a film/movie enthusiast or devotee; also used in the name of a leading film magazine. (This is what you’re pretending to be, so if someone calls you a cineaste, it’s a compliment, not an insult, so don’t beat them up.)Dunning: the process or technique of combining shots filmed in a studio with background footage shot elsewhere. (We have no advice for you on this one.)Fourth Wall: refers to the imaginary, illusory invisible plane through which the film viewer or audience is thought to look through toward the action. (A good line to use when interrupting actual cineastes: “Please excuse me for breaking the fourth wall here, but you were fantastic in [fill in the blank].)Oscar Bait: Often used in a derogatory way to describe studio-invented pre-release PR buzz that a film (usually an epic or serious biopic released late in the year) is worthy, meaningful, and deserving of Oscar awards. (Use any and all opportunities you have to dismiss big budget films.)Wrap: refers to the completion of film shooting either for the day or for the entire production or project. (Self explanatory.)You are now ready for the festival. Break a leg.
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