Are You on the List?

Southampton Village Police's Most Wanted List.

In the Hamptons, you’re nobody if you’re not on the list. Lists are the means by which Hamptonites measure their relative success—or lack thereof. Ahead, a brief and highly inaccurate chronicle of the lists of the Hamptons:

Most Wanted List: This past week the Southampton Village Police released their Most Wanted List. It pretty much goes without saying that this is NOT one of the many lists in the Hamptons that you want to be on. Granted, it’s not as bad as being on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, but seriously, this is one that you want to skip.

Nick & Toni’s Saturday Night Reservation List: This is a very good list to be on because A) it means you can afford dinner at Nick & Toni’s and B) it means you have enough social standing to actually get on the list. Pretty much the opposite of the “Most Wanted List.”

Hamptons Magazine’s “The List”: This is one of the older lists in the Hamptons and, if you’ve paid any attention to it, you may be slightly perplexed by its methodology. That’s because there really isn’t one. It’s the most arbitrary list out there, though to make the cut it helps if you advertise or have appeared on Page Six within the past 6 months.

Pink Elephant Guest List: You’re a model. We know, it’s not that hard to figure out. You’re out here with a pack of other models and you’ll be getting free drinks from the I-bankers at table seven who are dropping $700 on a $40 bottle of Grey Goose (three bottle minimum). Have a good time.

Sag Harbor Dock Space List: Being on this list is a mixed bag. It means that you achieved a level of wealth that affords you the ability to purchase an enormous yacht, but you still don’t have quite enough clout to guarantee yourself a space at the dock during those popular weekends like the Fourth of July and Labor Day. Tough it out though, because no one is shedding a tear for you.

Montauk Charter Boat Fishing List: You’ve woken up at 4 a.m., dragged the kids out of bed and are headed down to the docks for a little party boat fishing—half a day, of course, so you can be on the beach in the afternoon with mom. You’ll probably catch something, which the kids will then refuse to eat, but it will be a nice memory of summer fun and you’ll have the ubiquitous “kid-with-a-fish picture” to go with the experience.

Polo: Just about everyone has been on this list at one time or another. It’s exclusive in the way that King Kullen is exclusive. One thing to note though is the difference between those under the tent, and those under the celebrity tent. There’s making it, and then there’s really making it.

Benefit Committee List: You’re doing good work. You’re helping a cause. And really dahling, it’s all about giving back. You like to lunch, sip Southsides and talk about the benefit committee that you are on. (See also Hamptons magazine’s List.)

Shinnecock Hills Golf Club: You’re a dreamer, but you have to keep hope alive. You’re dying to play that course, and maybe, if you know someone, and have the right breeding, and the wallet to match, you might, 10 years from now, be accepted as a member. If you do, please call because we’d love to play that course too.

Did we miss any? Let us know below.