Ah, the first blooms of Spring, the grass is growing green and the peals of summer laughter are just around the corner. And so are the headaches. Never has one place been so blessed with a richness of bounties—and so many hassles. And they’re not just your garden-variety hassles either, they’re that special breed of hassle you find only among the hedgerows.
Where’s the Help?: Never mind the saying, “Good help is hard to find,” right now in the Hamptons, any help is hard to find. The national immigration debate has complicated the temporary visas usually granted to foreign workers who come to the Hamptons for six months or so and leave at the end of the season. “Restaurants, landscapers, retail shops, sports and recreation facilities, transportation services, and estate management” will all be affected. Translation: if you order your food it might come eventually but we’re not clearing the table between courses; mow your own lawn; don’t bother trying to shop; Raoul, your Brazilian tennis pro, isn’t at the club anymore; no taxis; and, again, mow your own lawn. It’s going to be a fun summer!
The Sound of Silver on Fine China: Assuming you can find a waiter to wait on you, please refrain from making any noise while dining outside at 1770 House this summer. No loud laughter, no voluble interjections into a dining companion’s story, no enthusiastic calls to raise a glass in good cheer. One of the restaurant’s neighbors is complaining about the handful of tables the restaurant has been using on the outdoor patio. Apparently, 1770 House doesn’t have a permit for outdoor tables—which their neighbor was quick to point out. Apparently, the seven outdoor tables that they had last year were unbearable for the neighbor—and you know how crazy and wild people get while eating $50 steaks and drink $300 bottles of wine. Or should we say whine?
Restrictions on Where You Can Fly Your Helicopter: Shhh, it’s the Hamptons. Total silence please. We’re not going to compare some people eating outside to a helicopter flying low overhead—that would be silly. But we also have to note that frequent fliers are going to allow for a forty-six-minute flight out east as opposed to the usual forty-five-minute trip—ouch! How do you spell L.I.E.?
The Constant Theft of Plumbing: Copper has become so valuable as scrap metal, East End thieves are plundering homes and construction sites for copper piping. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a plumber before Memorial Day?
Even More Shark Attacks: Blame it on global warming—seriously. The two recent shark attacks in California have been linked to global warming, according to people who blame everything on global warming. So if there’s any truth to this, well, we hope you have a pool.
Property Price Shrinkage: The only thing you want shrinking is your brain tumor. We’re not even going to get into this one. You’ve heard the news. You’re shaking your head in disgust. We know.
Summer in the Hamptons: Sun, Sand & a Labor Shortage [NY Sun]
Clatter Over Restaurant's Noise [East Hampton Star]
Copper Crooks Hit Hamptons [NYP]
Surge in Fatal Shark Attacks Blamed on Global Warming [Guardian]
